I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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