that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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