How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
