Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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