i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
