when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
