I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
