why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
