First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
