not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
