and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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