i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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