I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
