And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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