I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
