I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
