My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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