if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
