i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i came on her dog
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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