you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
