I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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