6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
