only you would photoshop your dick
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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