Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
