No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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