Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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