This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
