Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
This toilet bowl is my home.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
