i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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