Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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