How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
