There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
