By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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