You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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