i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
