I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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