i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
