I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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