Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
