my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
