But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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