you guys were way drunker than both of me
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
