My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Randomize
