she woke up with a sticky ear
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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