Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
