I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
