i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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