Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
