Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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