Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
